Adventures in a second pregnancy!

I had my final set of labs drawn yesterday.  My HCG level was 4.9 and anything below 5 is considered negative for pregnancy.  It’s finally over.

I know that this was meant to be and that Rob and I will have another healthy child soon.  At the same time, I don’t EVER want to forget that this happened.  Yes, we lost him or her very early.  But, this baby grew inside me for nearly six weeks and it was OURS.  I will always consider him or her a part of our family.

We love you, little one.

We have lost our little bean.

Was it me?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I being tested?
Must the pain last this long?

I try to be a good person.
I try to do everything right.
It’s hard to accept it.
Feels like I’m giving up the fight.

I was supposed to be strong.
I was supposed to have it all.
I feel like a failure.
Why get back up again when I’m bound to fall?

I have to keep going.
I have to keep being me.
I will always thing about what should have been,
but what was not meant to be.

I will persevere.
I will laugh and smile.
When I’m expected to run an inch,
I will take the mile.

My angel baby is watching me.
I am never alone.
I have to believe in myself
and reap the seeds that I have sown.

Be at peace my little baby.
I will always think about you and grin.
For what wasn’t meant to be
But for what should have been.

It looks like we are losing this little one.  I had some more bleeding today, which led me to get some more blood work done.  My HCG level was 78.9 today, down from 109.7 two days ago.  I will update once we know for sure.

Asher and I went to Babies ‘R Us today to buy some diapers and wipes.  I only had a few minutes there, but it felt different.  Walking into that store as a pregnant woman made me WAY too excited.  I walked up and down the same aisles as always—aisles containing things like Elmo soft potty seats (AHEM), snack traps, Boppy covers, and Pack ‘n Plays—but it all seemed so much more FUN.  That place is definitely the pregnant woman’s candy store.

Note to self:  STEER CLEAR for eight more months.

For those of you who do not know, I am Whitney and I am expecting my second child with my wonderful husband, Rob.  We are beyond thrilled with this news and can’t wait for our son Asher to have a sibling!  I am determined to document this pregnancy thoroughly and enjoy every second of it, as it will more than likely be my last.  SO, here is our story.  :o)

We have one son, Asher, who is 17 months old.  We decided that we would try to conceive a second child sometime between now and early next year.  It doesn’t make for a very exciting story, but I got lazy last month and didn’t fill my birth control prescription.  Rob and I both figured the “worst” that could happen was that we got pregnant and we knew that would be wonderful, so we didn’t think much of it.

I began to “feel” pregnant shortly after conceiving.  I was very dizzy, which I remembered experiencing with Asher.  I decided to play it safe just in case I was pregnant, but didn’t honestly believe I was.  I avoided alcohol, didn’t stand to close to the microwave, and stopped taking my prescription antidepressants (Rob just LOVED that).  I took several pregnancy tests much earlier than I should have because I felt pregnant and wanted an answer.  All were negative.

***WARNING TO MALES:  THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS EXPLICIT PERIOD INFO, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK***

I started having some light brown spotting on Thursday, July 30th.  My periods generally start that way, so I figured that was my answer.  However, the bleeding stopped completely soon after it started, and Friday, July 31st was free of Aunt Flow’s wrath.  So, on Saturday morning, August 1st, I took another test.  Let me say that, from the very beginning, Rob was convinced I was NOT with child.  When I got up early to take a test that morning, I knew he would think I was nuts.  To my surprise, I thought I saw a positive line on that test!  Of course, I had to tilt it and hold it up to the light, but hell, everyone does that!!  Right?!  He came out of the bedroom to see where I had gone and looked at it himself.  I remember him saying, “You know what is funny?  It almost looks like there is a line there…”

I frolicked through the day thinking I was pregnant.  We went to the Grand Ledge Island Art Fair and talked about how our life would be changing.  That night, my “period” arrived in full glory.  I wrote off the ever-so-faintly-positive test as my imagination and continued with life.  My “period” was totally normal.  Normal duration (about four days), normal flow, normal everything.  Normal, normal, normal.  Since I was so sure I wasn’t pregnant, I got a tattoo and had drinks with a girlfriend, but I still couldn’t shake this odd feeling.

So, on Friday, August 7th, I took ANOTHER TEST.  It seemed crazy, even for me.  I just had a period, for crap’s sake!  But I still just felt like I was pregnant and wanted to see the words, “NOT PREGNANT” on my handy little digital test before drinking anymore or resuming my meds.  Well, much to my surprise, I saw the word “PREGNANT” glaring up at me.  Hm.  I started yelling for Rob, but he wasn’t answering.  So, hands shaking, I carried the test into our bedroom where he was playing with Asher.  I just said, “Look at this…”  Both of our eyebrows raised and we just looked at each other for a second.  We were both so confused.  He suggested I call my OB and see if they could order some blood work.  They ordered it right away and I scooted off to Sparrow to get poked.

I got the results later that night.  My HCG was 59.  The nurse from my OB’s office had told me that any number below 100 would suggest a miscarriage.  I was completely prepared for that possibility and so was Rob.  We just shrugged and planned to repeat the blood work on Sunday.  If the number went up, pregnant.  If it went down, no longer pregnant.

Yesterday’s result was around 110.  I can’t remember exactly what it was because I was so excited.

So, that brings us to today.  Of course, being the marvelous secret keepers we are, everyone knows.  I just can’t stand to keep news like that to myself!

Having a second child will be a huge life change, but one that we are prepared and excited for.  Asher will make a wonderful big brother.

:o)

Below is our test from Saturday, August 1st.  The line IS there, but you can see why we thought we were imagining things, especially once I started bleeding.

Here is our photo evidence from Friday, August 7th.  Digital tests are the way to go.

And, just for kicks, my beautiful baby boy.